A letter to God
Well God, i'm here, i don't know if you're there
I know i don't deserve your love and your care
I've become "one of those people" who only screams out
For your help when my life is tumbling about.
I don't say it out loud but i know that you know
I'm angry with you, i just don't let it show
I know that it's silly as you see in my heart
So you already know why we've drifted apart
They tell me you'll help me, i just need to ask
So where have you been in all these times past?
Did you not hear me crying for days on end?
Where were you then when i needed a friend?
Did you not hear me pleading "PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!"
You left me to suffer until my pain got....
So unbearable i just wanted to die
So i "self-medicated" just to keep me alive!
Yet somehow i still continued to pray
Each night and always throughout every day
But my prayers went unanswered as time after time
I prayed you'd just take this life of mine.
"If you won't make me better then at least let me die!!"
But you made me suffer and kept me alive
Alive?? What a joke, i was living half dead
Tortured each day by these thoughts in my head
Tormented with questions and answers unknown
All that i knew was you'd left me alone.
Alone with an illness of the cruellest kind
Of all of the things, a disease of the mind.
So yes God I'm angry though you already knew
But i'm saying it out loud that i AM angry with you!
I guess you could say that you're angry with me
I'm hardly the person you want me to be
But I feel like you've left me and don't understand
So i've given up reaching out for your hand.
I've given up asking for your help and care
Like everyone else...you're just not there!
Yet here i am lying on this chapel floor
I dimmed down the lights and closed the door
"A place of safety" that's what i said
Where i could be alone with no chance to be dead.
I guess that in itself tells me it's true
I AM still reaching out for you
My spirit has gone and my faith is low
But my heart must know you haven't let me go.
Love Angela x
ps. If you hear this prayer please hold my hand
And if you won't make me "well" please help me understand!